Chris’ Writings
A Poem Chris wrote for Adeline
December 4, 2017
Dear Mama and Daddy,
It’s Monday night before the hearing. Andy told me this morning that y’all are fasting and praying today. I am too. I’m praying so hard that they will get Caroline back and that Emily will be able to communicate with me afterwards. I miss them so so much. I don’t think I can bear going all these months without hearing from Emily. I love her so very much. My heart is broken over Adeline’s death and being away from my wife when she needs me the most is torture to me. I don’t know how I can keep going. It’s hard to think about how happy my little family was that Monday and then the next day we were crushed and scattered to the wind. I am so miserable. Each day feels like a year. Every evening when the sun goes down, I thank the Lord for getting me through one more day. There are so many days left though! I’m afraid people are going to forget about me in here and stop praying for me and writing me letters. I know y’all won’t though. Thank you for loving me like y’all do. I’ll understand if y’all can’t make it up here for visitations. I know y’all are sacrificing so much for me…….I’m glad I can write now. Even though we talk a few times a week, this helps pass the time. The lawyer didn’t show up yesterday. I hoped he might come today, but it’s afternoon so I guess he’s not coming. I wrote a letter last week that I wanted to give him to give to Emily’s lawyer to give to her. I can’t stop thinking about her. I just want to wrap my arms around her and cry with her. It feels good to cry. I feel like I haven’t really been able to grieve for Adeline because of my situation. I get angry when I think that the country I enlisted to protect tore me away from my family when we needed to be together the most. I missed Adeline’s funeral and now I’m going to miss so much with Caroline. She won’t even know me when I get out…….I feel like Job when he said, “If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be put on the scales, it would surely outweigh the sand of the seas.” I just hope I have an ending like Job……I’m trying not to feel sorry for myself but it’s hard. I know God promises to work all things together for the good of those who love Him and I do love Him. He has been so faithful to me in the past, why should I doubt him now? The waiting is so hard even though I know His timing is perfect. I’m fixing to read Psalms and I’m sure I will get some encouragement from that. I love y’all.
Chris
December 12, 2017
Dear Mama and Daddy,
…..Emily and I will have been married 3 years tomorrow. My Christmas leave was going to start that day. I had tickets for a Christmas concert in Nashville at the Ryeman. I was so excited. We were going to go out to dinner before and then after we were going to pick up the girls from the baby sitter and then drive to Grand Bay for Christmas. I was so excited for our first Christmas with the babies. I talked Emily in to letting me put up the Christmas tree on Veteran’s Day weekend. Last year we were late putting it up because we moved right before Christmas. I was so excited to see the looks on the girl’s faces when I plugged in the lights. I had their Christmas presents wrapped too. I put them in front because I figured now that they were starting to crawl, especially Adeline, she would probably get her fingers through the paper. I bought some colorful story books about the first Christmas that same weekend. I was so excited to start some traditions with my little family. The night before Adeline died, we got back from Townsend early enough for me to start putting up the Christmas lights outside. Emily thought I was crazy for doing all this so early. She came out to check on me though. It’s kind of a big deal for her to put on pants and a jacket after she had a night shirt on. I loved her so much for that. I had hugged her tight earlier that evening and asked her if she had fun on our little trip and she said she did. I was so glad she had fun. Emily doesn’t usually like to take trips like that but she went along with it because she knew how much I wanted to go. She likes to spend weekends in a more relaxed way, than I do. My love for Emily grew so much this year. She is such a good wife and mother. It takes a special person to give so much love and care to two babies at once, especially when you are hundreds of miles away from your family to help you. I love her so much……I am constantly praying that she knows how much I love her, that she knows I am innocent, and that she loves me too. I’ve been praying that God would give me another chance to be a better husband to Emily and a better father to Caroline. A Godly man and spiritual leader of my family. ….Emily is the perfect soul mate for me. We are not very much alike so we balance each other out. I’m a spender and she is a saver. I’m trusting and she is cautious. I like to go and she likes to stay. I could go on and on. It hurts so bad that I can’t talk to her……I feel like it would be so easy for her to send me a message saying she loves me. It makes me think that she doesn’t. That breaks my heart as much as losing Adeline.
Chris
December 23
Dear Mama and Daddy,
I did Chapter 4 of Trusting God (by Jerry Bridges) today. I’m just doing one section at a time so it will last me to the end of the year. Today, I learned about God’s sovereignty over people’s actions and how He uses them to accomplish His perfect will for us. I’m praying for whoever is writing the autopsy report, the two judges we will face in January, and our lawyers. I know these are the people He will use. I’m praying that God would cause the person writing the autopsy to word it as to not leave any doubt that this was an accident. I’m praying that God would soften both judges’ hearts so they will understand that this was an accident. And I’m praying for our lawyers that God would give them the words to say as they plead our case…….. I just ate supper. I just have to get through 5-6 more hours and another day will be over. I’m going to eat a pack of peanut butter tonight. I’ve been excited about that. I used to eat spoonfuls of peanut butter right out of the jar. When I get out I’m going to take a bag of chocolate chips and dump it into a jar of peanut butter and eat the whole thing. I’ll probably throw up later but I don’t care.
Chris
December 29, 2017
Dear Mama and Daddy,
I did Chapter 11 today. It talked about how each of our days has been planned out since the beginning of time. So at least for now, I know this is where I’m supposed to be. I’m praying hard that my days in here are almost up. Another day is almost over……. I get to eat a peanut butter pack today. I’ve been looking forward to that. I save it for as late as I can so I won’t wake up hungry. Well, I’m going to get back to reading Acts now.
March 7, 2018
Dear Mama and Daddy,
…….I read one of the books yesterday that Jake sent me. It was called “The Great Divorce” by C.S. Lewis. It’s about heaven and hell. It was kind of hard to know what to take away from it because it was like a dream or a fantasy. This passage stood out to me: “They say of some temporal suffering, ‘No future bliss could make up for it,’ not knowing that heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony in to glory.” Today I’m going to read, “The Power of Prayer” by Charles Spurgeon. I think that until this is over and my innocence is proven, I’m going to make everyday a day of fasting and prayer. I’ve really been praying hard for Mr. DeWerff as he goes through the discovery. I’m praying that God would make the truth loud and clear. I’m praying that the next time I see him that he will have some good news to tell me. These last few days have gone by pretty fast. I’m so thankful for that! I have been praying that God would make the days go by quickly. He is so good!……..I read Deuteronomy yesterday. It was encouraging to see how faithful God was to the Israelites in bringing them to the Promised Land. Our God is the same today as He was then. He will not allow my enemies to triumph over me. Chapter 32 verse 4 says, “He is the Rock, His work is perfect; for all His ways are justice, a God of truth and without injustice; righteous and upright is He.” So it doesn’t matter if detectives, D.A.’s, judges, or juries hate truth and justice. God is a God of truth and Justice and they can do nothing apart from His will. God promises never to leave me or forsake me so I should not be afraid or dismayed………The mental health nurse came around today. I asked for some more word search puzzles. She said I will probably get moved to a different pod soon so I might not get harassed as much.
April 9, 2018
……….I also finished reading 1 Corinthians today. I thought it was neat how 13:11 and 14:20 kind of say the same thing. Paul calls us to put away childish things and be mature in our understanding and faith. Then he tells us to be babes in malice. Both of these things are done by a diligent study of Scripture. I’ve still been really struggling with forgiveness and these verses reminded me of that. It’s so hard to forgive people who destroyed my family and are actively seeking to kill me. But they can only do what God has allowed them to do. And it’s okay to be angry at them and ask the Lord to execute vengeance. But we certainly don’t need to make any suggestions to God as to how or when to bring judgement on them. It’s enough for us to know that He will. One day, if they are not converted, we will laugh at them while God destroys them (Psalm 52:5-7). All the lies and hatred they and the media have directed at me will mean nothing………Have y’all heard the song, “More Than Anything,” by Natalie Grant? It talks about wanting Jesus for who He is more than what He can do for us. That song helps me keep things in perspective. When this is over, will I still be seeking a closer walk with Jesus? I pray that I will……..I’ve just about given up on sleeping at night. I just lay there for hours thinking and then when I go to sleep I have nightmares. Last night, or this morning, I dreamed that the three people I love most in this world were taken away and then I woke up and it was true. Even good dreams make me sad when I wake up and I’m in jail.
June 4, 2018
Dear Mama and Daddy,
Well it’s Monday afternoon. I just got this new cell somewhat clean. I can’t see anything out of the window. That makes me sad. The radio station I’ve been listening to doesn’t pick up here, but I did find the station I used to listen to last year. The first song I heard was, “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again.” That song always takes me back to my barracks room at Fort Campbell. (While I was out on bail). I used to listen to it on repeat and cry till I didn’t have any tears left. I wish it were as simple as telling my heart to beat again at least at a normal rate. I wish my problem was as simple as depression. I’m sad, lonely, and scared all the time. Nothing I can do, no medication I could take, can change how I feel. Lately I’ve been praying that God would give me a sign that He loves me and is fighting on my side. On days like today it just doesn’t feel like it……..I should be getting new books tonight. Hopefully they will encourage me to take my mind off my circumstances. It’s just so hard for a minute to forget…….I’ve been reading some in Job today. These were the verses I needed today. “Look, I go forward, but he is not there. And backward, but I cannot perceive Him; When He works on the left hand, I cannot behold Him; When He turns to the right hand, I cannot see Him. But He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.” Job 23:8-10…….. I like how Job says “when” and not “if”.